Insecurities

Tadpole has hit her requisite hour in the crib and just went back to sleep after some fussing.  I've either got plenty of time to write this post (in fact, would have time to be productive on NaNo, which I should be doing), or I'll be getting up in less than 2 minutes when she reawakens.  Honestly, you won't know the difference, since you'll get this post sooner or later anyway.

Tadpole and I start swim class tomorrow.  I'm extremely excited, since it's been a long time since I was in a pool, but swimming used to be a big part of my life (swam competitively in high school, lifeguarded & taught swim classes in high school & college, though mostly 4-9 year olds.  I watched/assisted some infant swim classes, but never taught).

Despite (because of?) how excited I am about the classes, I'm actually pretty nervous.  This is my first outing with just Tadpole and other children when I don't already know the parents/children (other than a somewhat disastrous meeting at a recent pumpkin patch where I stood and watched R mingle with other parents).  So far, this insecurity has primarily manifested itself in email questions - I'm still not sure if these were justified or not.

I dutifully picked up some swim diapers recently, but there aren't swimsuits available in October/November, so I figured Tadpole could just wear her diaper.  I'm actually proud that I checked ahead of time, since it turns out she does need to have a suit, triggering a frantic scramble (thanks for the loaner C!).  We did eventually get an email with this notification - less than 1 day before the class starts, but almost a week after we were informed of the parking arrangements.  Slightly annoyed, but I only made a nuisance of myself by emailing to ask a couple days early.  Not that bad, right?

Then today we finally did get the email with the final arrangements, including information that we would (not could, would) leave our personal belongings in a locker in the ladies changing room.  Um.  Hrm.  That doesn't really work for a dad.  Tadpole isn't quite capable of opening the locker after she crawls in to get our stuff, and honestly, I'm not sure she'd remember which locker was which.  So I sent off another email ... turns out the men's room is also open, so I can leave my stuff there.  (The original email was chock full of restrictions about where we could park, how long we could be in the changing rooms, and what facilities we weren't allowed to use - I don't think it was entirely unreasonable for me to worry that they might not have planned to open the men's changing room, but maybe so?)

Anyway - swim class starts tomorrow!  We have a swimsuit for Tadpole and a place to leave our personal belongings!  woo hoo!?  Hopefully all complications are over other than actually meeting other parents, Tadpole wanting to drink the water, a longer car ride than I've ever done with Tadpole by myself before ... so excited ...

But hey - maybe the hardest part will be the emails.
(No complications on the blog post - Tadpole's going long for nap two.  Way to go baby girl!)

In which the first week is examined, and I am tired

Tadpole is down for her second nap.  The cat is curled up next to me on the bed.  This is seriously hampering any attempts to finish up the last few tasks for work.  They'll get done, though.

A few notes from the first week of stay-at-home-dadness:

Having my daughter grab onto my arm & grin up at me while I was changing her was pretty special today.  Just laid there quite happy in her new diaper and smiled up at daddy.

The parenting impulse is stronger than I had expected.  We visited a daycare yesterday, which I was generally very impressed with, but there's part of me screaming "no, don't give up this time with your daughter, they won't love her like you will!".  Which, of course, is true.  There are two good responses to this - first, I can't really be the father I want to be for her, that guy is on a pretty huge pedestal, since he needs to be worth of my daughter.  Second, they'll love & challenge Tadpole in a lot of new ways that I can't.  There will be other babies there (which Tadpole generally finds fascinating) and most seem a little farther ahead developmentally, which will probably push her to develop new skills and abilities.
Sometimes I can acknowledge that rationally.  But it's tough.  Mostly I just want to be with my daughter & make her smile.

Parenting is a lot more exhausting than I'd expected.  There is not enough cleaning getting done, not enough work getting finished (as mentioned above), and not enough directed me time.  Pretty much, when Tadpole naps, I collapse, track some social media, and do other relatively mindless things (including this blog).  If I do plan to stay with her long term, I need to find a way to change that.

In other ways, though, being Stay at Home Dad is a lot easier than I expected, though, mostly because Tadpole is such an easy baby.  It's important to keep her fed & changed, but in general, she's happy to amuse herself for a while while I prep a bottle or do some dishes.  Plus, she lets me listen to NPR (which R is finally starting to tolerate) and Joan Baez (who is otherwise verboten in our household).

I am more than just a father to my daughter.  November 1 starts NaNoWriMo, which I successfully completed last year.  I'm hoping to finish again this year, probably with a sci-fi novel that is way to long in the outline right now.  I am trying to get more organized (a task which seemed like it would be more pressing when working, but which I think counterintuitively took on an added urgency without the structure of work).  I read David Allen's "Getting Things Done" a while ago (and highly recommend it to anyone who feels that life's a little out of control), and just started using ZenDone, a web app that works well with Evernote (another amazing note taking application that I guarantee works on your electronic device of choice) - I'd also really like to expand my own technical skills while working on getting more organized and providing feedback to a stellar product still in its infancy.  Plus, I need friends (about that more later - it's a project for next year).  The bottom line is that there have been a few moments when I was able to be Suddenly Stay at Home Dad AND Young Motivated Urban Professional (YMUP?), but there was also a lot of losing myself in Tadpole's gorgeous blue eyes.  Not necessarily bad this week, but not something I can do very often.

So - Parenting is wonderful.  I'm more uptight about it than I expected.  I'm also more tired than I expected.  It's not quite as hard as I'd thought, but then again, I haven't tried to parent & be me, which is necessary for maintaining a healthy situation.  Those are enough lessons for week 1.  Plus, I need to see if my phone has managed to get to iOS 5 yet.

Gotta go - Tadpole's about to wake up!

Day 1 - or "Who Am I?"

And so I entered day one of the sudden stay-at-home-dad-ness.  (or, as one soon-to-be SAHD I saw today called it: funployed.)

I certainly enjoyed the day.  Tadpole and I walked R partway to her new job before turning around - turns out it's cold outside & Tadpole doesn't really enjoy the stroller when she's bundled a lot and can't look forward ... which we do when it's cold outside.  Later, there was a trip to the post office with Tadpole in the Bjorn and a blanket wrapped around her.  Lunch, feedings, and various games.  All in all ... I'm not feeling funployed.

On the one hand, I love my daughter, and she's absolutely delightful.  Her smile lights up the room, and she smiles a lot.  In particular, she smiles when we work out.  Let me repeat that - working out is one of the highlights of my day!  This is a good thing.

On the other hand, Tadpole is a 7 month old whose second tooth just broke through today.  Our walk to the Post Office and back took about 45 minutes.  45 minutes of her looking away from me & out at the world and basically not making a sound.  "Playing" with Tadpole involves things like tummy time on the floor watching her manipulate toys designed for infants.  Extremely entertaining in small quantities, somewhat mind-numbing for longer intervals.  My refuge of choice, the iPhone with its access to Social Media, Kindle, and other entertainment is mostly verboten, partly because the whole point of parenting Tadpole is to interact with Tadpole, but mostly because IT IS HER FAVORITE TOY!  Seriously.  It's charming that my daughter loves the little baby touch app on the iPhone, but it also means I can't get it out to send a quick text or email, take a moment to survey Twitter, or even look at the time or pull up a song from iTunes without her deciding that whatever other toy she is playing with is inferior & I NEED THE IPHONE NOW DADDY!!!!!


I love my daughter.  I love parenting her.  I am not currently at the "funployed" state.  I'm in the "I'm supposed to spend all of my days with a 7 month old who can't speak, feels that the appropriate response to frustration is agonized crying, and thinks that the height of entertainment is either watching Daddy shake his head back and forth or batting a rattle ball back and forth?!?!" state.

I think this means that I need to network and find things to do.  Rumor has it that there are things to do in Chicago.  Like visit the Shedd Aquarium (walking distance!), Gymboree (also walking distance), and lots of other things.  Plus, we have friends.  With babies and without.  I've also heard that play dates aren't really for the kids at this age.

Somewhere between daily flights leaving before Tadpole wakes up and returning after she falls asleep and hours upon hours of rolling a rattling ball lies the next chapter of my life.  I'm not surprised that I don't know where it is yet, but I'm still scared of getting there.  And excited.  At least, when I get that big toothy grin!